I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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