Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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