Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
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They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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