I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
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so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
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Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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