you would pick up someone in the library
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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