Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
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he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
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Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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