i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize