Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
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why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
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I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
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