Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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