Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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