oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
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I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
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Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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