First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
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Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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