So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
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we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
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Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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