dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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