I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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