I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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