My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
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We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i drank out of a bidet.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
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He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize