I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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