You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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