he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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