I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could order shots online.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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