Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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