Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
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I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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