it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
They took my balls.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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