funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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