I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
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You slow clapped the stripper last night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
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Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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