Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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