I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
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Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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