last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
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Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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