Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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