I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
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I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
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that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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