My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
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Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
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Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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