I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
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I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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