Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
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Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
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