Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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