You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
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We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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