When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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