so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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