Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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