I wish my penis had an off switch
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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