Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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