you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
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I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
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i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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