I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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