Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
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he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
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She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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