the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize