I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
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After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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