I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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