I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i was born a porn star she said
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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