What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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