someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize